Sunday, February 6, 2011

Venting...I'm In a Funk

Happy Super Bowl Sunday! I'm sitting here watching it all by myself. The boys are in bed. Nick's at a party at the VFW Hall with his friend Rafe. An all you can eat & drink party. Sounds like it would have been fun. Too bad no one thought to invite me. 

Nick had mentioned it a few weeks ago. He said something about the tickets being $75 per couple. Two weeks ago on payday he tells me to make sure I save $20 because he's going. How the tickets went from $75/couple to $20/person I have no clue. He never asked if I wanted to go. 

I pay the bills and go grocery shopping, making sure to save $20.  After I went grocery shopping he got all bent out of shape because we had no money left. It's never ending with him. He always gets like this after payday. I hate being broke too but it is what it is. Our bills are paid, we have food, clothing & shelter. Since I got sick and had to quit working [before even] we have never, ever been late on the mortgage. Things could be soooo much worse than they are. I'd love to have extra money to do stuff or not have to always see exactly how much money there is before I go to the store. I'd love to not have to say to my kids "we don't have money for that" when they ask to go to Chuck E Cheese or for a new toy. He drives his work van home every night so if he goes somewhere he has to take my car. The other night he says he's going to go hang out with Rafe. I said "ok just please don't go driving around, I need my gas to take Nathan to & from school." He took that as me bitching and he told me I should go get a job cleaning houses on the side. Um seriously? I feel like shit all the time. I only do the absolute necessities in my house and you want me to go clean someone else's house?!?! Let's potentially fuck up my disability income for a few extra bucks. That would be my luck ya know? Get a side job, lose my SS then get so sick that I have to go back into the hospital. I don't think so buddy.

It's just so frustrating. I really do feel crappy most of the time and it's like he thinks I'm just playing it up to not have to do anything. It's all in your head or you need to have a positive attitude and you'll feel better. Uh no I have tried that and it doesn't work! 

The other day we were talking about the school carnival coming up. They need more volunteers. I already signed up to make cupcakes for the cake walk. I didn't want to commit to working games or serving food because I'll be doing treatment on that day. He says "oh will if you think like that before it even happens then of course your going to feel like crap." Uh no I've been on this drug for a year I know how I feel when I am taking it no matter how positive I think or how much I don't want to feel like crap. 

I just want to SCREAM sometimes!!!!! I want a break, I NEED a break.

Sorry if this is jumbled or all over the place....

Oh and please I don't want to hear what a jerk he is because he's not. I just wish he'd understand me a little more. I just needed to vent and get this off my chest. Love you guys =)                                                                                                    


Crisc said...

I go through the same thing with John. Thank G for the overtime he gets or we'd be screwed. John deals with all money issues so I never know whats going on till he's being a freak about money. It will get better don't go mess up your SS

Kisma said...

I heart you!!!

Ya know, I have the most amazing, wonderful husband in the world, but I too totally understand what you are saying. I never make plans on days where I have check-ups or in the case of this week, more surgery. I am working the morning of but then proceed to take the day after off and play the next day by ear.

I hope today is a better day for you :-)

Dazee Dreamer said...

You know your body better than anyone. For you to even volunteer to do cupcakes is more than I would do.

He's not a jerk, just a man. Sometimes they just don't get it.

And at least you have a place to vent. Does he read your blog? My hubby reads mine and sometimes I put things in just so he will see them. I'm sick that way. :)

Mad Mind said...

Men don't get it. That's just it. I know I'm ready to strangle mine. He can't pick up anything and it's all about him no matter what's going on.

I will say that you need more help. you cannot keep doing treatment and keep up. Chemo sucks! You take care of yourself.

We love you!

Babes Mami said...

Your being sick is not an excuse that you are using. I know he's not a bad guy but there needs to be a little more understanding.

Crisc said...

I tagged you =)

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