Thursday, July 15, 2010

I needed a good cry & good talk~PYHO

Last night the boys spent the night at my parents house. When I got home from dropping them off Nick was home from cutting grass. He was working on the customer spreadsheet. He finished that up and took a shower then we went to get something to eat. We were just going to go to Taco Bell. It was late, he was tired. I jokingly said "let's go to Pancho's!" He agreed. We got there about 9:40ish. I went right to the bathroom. When I came out Nick was standing by the cash register. The dining room was closed :( He didn't want to order take out and go home either. We leave and he said we ere just going to go back to Taco Bell. Then he changes his mind and says Applebees. Yum! They had 1/2 appetizers and $3 beers. Score!! There were this group of people 2 booths away from us. A couple and another female. They were talking SO loudly. It was like they brought their therapy session to the middle of Applebees. The wife had a son from a previous relationship and the husband and her could not agree on how to parent him. Husband said wife lets kid do whatever he wants and that wife can't say no. Husband just wants to be a positive male influence for stepson but wife won't let him. It was getting good and loud! I seriously felt like I was sitting in a shrinks office! They left before I found out what was going to happen to the son. Nick just laughed at me "next on the women of Wayne County...."

We go home and are chilling out watching TV. We end up arguing about sex. It started w/ sex then he tells me that he feels ignored and that I push him away all the time. He feels like I don't care when he tells me these things. Then he starts in w/ why are we even married, you act like you don't want to be w/ me. We just live in this house together. I HATE it when he says shit like that. I was quite for a few minutes then I started crying when he asked my why I didn't answer him when he asked me why I ignore his desires or something. I don't recall his exact wording.

I was waiting for his smartass comment that always comes when I cry during a fight. It didn't come this time though because I was balling my eyes out. I had a hard time catching my breath I was crying so hard. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I told him that I'm sick of every argument/fight being about sex w/ him. I'm sick of him saying I don't want to be w/ him. I'm sick of it all!! I told him I love him more than anything and I want to want to have sex w/ him like it used to be. I want things to be normal again. I used to be a damn nympho, I want that back!

He used to complain that I didn't open up and talk to him enough. I started doing that and he would say or think that the things that would be bothering me were dumb or shouldn't bother me. Here I am opening up like you wanted and your telling me I shouldn't be bothered by that, it's dumb. It may be dumb to you but not to me. Just as fast as I started to open up more I clammed right back up. Who wants to open up to someone just to hear that ya know?

I told him that him and the boys mean the world to me!! I love those 3 more than anything! I have fucking CANCER! I am so fucking scared that one day I'm going to wake up and feel horrible and know that the meds are not working anymore. That one day I'm going to go to the doctor and she'll tell me that my tumors grew or that there are more tumors. That one day I'll be in the hospital again going through hell like I was during my IL-2 treatments. That one day instead of "why do people die?" Nathan & Colin are going to have to ask daddy "why did mommy die?" I know I'm doing good right now but those thoughts are always in the back of my head.

My very first appointment at Karmanos the nurse practitioner told me the 5-year survival rate for stage IV melanoma is about 15% to 20%. The 10-year survival is about 10% to 15%. I was 28 years old when I was diagnosed. I don't want to die when I'm 33 or 38. I want to see my kids grow up! I want to be a grandma!

My breakdown snapped Nick out of his mood. I couldn't even say the words "I'm scared I'm going to die and leave you guys." I just cried harder and gasped for air. He told me I need to stop thinking about it. I told him that's easy for him to say because he's not the one who is sick. He told me that no it's not easy for him. He said he doesn't show it all the time because if he did 1. I'd be more of a blubbering hot mess than I already am and 2. he'd be that way too and he says he needs to be strong for me. He doesn't want me to see him cry. He said that there have been many days he's been at work and he's had to pull off on the side of the road and cry. Especially on the days when I go to the doctor. He wishes he could be the one to take me. I wish it was him that was taking me. I'm grateful that my dad is able to go but I'd rather it be my husband. But that doctor isn't in on Mondays, which are Nick's only day off during the week.

He told me that he has this image of me stuck in his head constantly of when I was in the hospital for IL-2. I asked for some cough syrup and the nurse gave it to me and then I like froze up. I had a death grip on the med cup, Nick had to pry it out of my hands. I started shaking my head back and forth and I couldn't talk. This lasted quite awhile. Nick was yelling at the nurse to do something because she was just standing there. The nurse doesn't know what it was. Nick said it looked like a seizure. Whatever it was it scared the shit out of him. When I finally snapped out of it I couldn't remember any of it and I was really confused. He said that scared the hell out of him. He said those 2 weeks that I was in the hospital were like a glimpse of what his life would be like if I did die. He felt like a single dad. He didn't like it at all. He says that's why he's so positive all the time because he wants me to be positive and not to dwell on the bad. Not think about dying.

Yes I do have stage 4 cancer BUT I am doing good right now. I'm not stuck in the hospital feeling like shit. If you didn't know I was sick you would think I was a normal 30 year old mom & wife. I told Nick I would do my best to do better. To stop thinking about the what ifs and enjoy the now. Enjoy the boys. My wild & crazy ass boys who I love sooooo much. And my husband. I miss my husband. I miss cuddling, snuggling & the way we used to be. And the sex! He made a good point last night. I need to enjoy all this now because one day i could be in the hospital not able to enjoy these things and then I'll really be depressed. He's right so here's to not worrying about what I can't control and enjoying my awesome life and the 3 great loves that are in it <3!!!! href="" target="_blank">


crisc23 said...

I'm sorry men are selfish and only think about sex. I'm disappointed in Nick some. If I was in your shoes I doubt I'd be all turned on all the time, I worry to much so sex would prob be last on my mind.

LOL about AppleBee's it's weird cause when you write things I know where they are so I start puttin the picture in my head..ol

MommyLovesStilettos said...


I can't even imagine how scared you are. And I know if it were me, it would most definitely affect every single area of my life and I would find it hard to not worry as well. Hang in there girlfriend. You are kicking cancer's ass remember? :)

Christy said...

I don't know what to say from your perspective. The idea of leaving your children has to be almost debilitating. I have lost a child to cancer though. When faced with the prospect of losing someone you love more than life, the idea they will not be there at some point is just as bad. I feel for you and I am pulling for you to be that 10-15%.

~*Katie*~ said...


I'm so glad you twoo go to talk...I'm sure it's hard, but you probably felt a lot better after getting it all out...

JoJo said...

It's hard to get in the mood with all the other shit going on in your life.

That happens to me too sometimes. Maybe not on the same level because I know I can't relate to the medical aspect, but lots of crap gets in the way of desire.

I know your husband must be going through a hard time too even though he's trying to stay strong and maintain normalcy. It's good you guys were able to remain open and talk it out even though it's painful to bring up your fears.

Keep staying strong!

Shell said...

I'm crying after reading this. What a lot you are going thorough. I'm sending you lots of prayers.

Kelly said...

Crystal~ It hasn't just been sex that I've blown the poor guy off about. Regular hugs & kisses, cuddling on the couch to watch tv together. I've pushed him away in damn near every way possible and for no reason really. He just wants to love me and comfort me and hump the shit out of me, lol What can I say? I'm irresistable!!

Michelle~ YES!!! Your right I AM kicking it's ass! I had my moment. I needed to get some things off my chest & have a good cry, now I'm back in as kicking mode!

Christy~ I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine having to watch my child go through this. Thanks for pulling for me girl, I appreciate it!

Kelly said...

Katie~ yeah it felt better to talk like we used to. I felt like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders!

JoJo~ yeah it's def hard to get in the mood. Kids, him working so much, my health. It all affects my mood/desire.

But I'm going to try harder to stop worrying so much about all that and just enjoy him and get back to us. Ya know?

Shell~ Thanks for the prayers girl!! I appreciate them!! :)

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